It's been awhile...

Well it has been awhile since my last post, and here I thought I would do better this time. It's not from a lack of wanting to do it, but a lack of time to sit and just focus on it. It seems I have been lacking in the area of time for quite a while. I thought I would take a little time, especially since my boys are still napping after church. It was pretty hard this morning hearing my hubby say to me that this is the first day that we have had off together in 2 weeks. Wow... it was really crushing to me actually. It brings tears to my eyes feeling that all I want to do is spend time with my family (Brett & Luke), and then having reality hit me in the face and stop it dead in its tracks. But Brett is so right, with our work schedules we are only off together 3 days out of every 3 weeks.

I constantly struggle with the feelings of only being able to give 20% of myself to the people and things that are most important to me. It was sad and very shocking to me that Wednesday night on the way home from a mom's bible study that I realized what a dark place I am in right now. Maybe its not completely dark, that I cannot see the wonderful things in my life, but a place where I feel so overwhelmed and not being able to do anything about it. And I am so much of a take charge and just do it sort of gal. But I can say this is the first time in my life that I just cannot change the way things are. And that is a dark place for Mrs. Fix It. Sometimes I find myself just wanting someone to come and fix it for me. To give me the answers that I need, to give me the way to making sure everyone around me has what they need. I really could care less if I have "me" time....I just want "our" time. How do I get that?? I just cannot find the answer. I mean here I am sitting and writing and boo-hooing all at the same time. Wow...I must be a complete pity party for someone who should actually read this or listen to me. But I think if someone was in my shoes for a day or a week, they would say...man, this girl is for real.

I really ponder how honest I should be on my blog, with what someone might think or say about it. But I have decided that this is my blog, and my story to tell. And if someone wants to gossip about me, well so be it. But I should have a place where I just be me, and tell the reality of things going on in our lives in this crazy world. Sometimes I wish I lived 30 years ago where life was at a slower pace. But...this is the time that God has given me, and I am trying to figure out how to make it all work. I just keep praying that my answers will come, that I will wake up and everything be all better. I need these answers. (Need is a strong word...but here and now...need is a must.) I just want to the best mom, wife and servant that I can be. I know what I am supposed to do in these areas, now I just need some resources to get it done.

Tomorrow starts my office week, I pray that it goes well and I survive the hectic week and crazy work environment. (its a doozie...but I will write about it some other time) Sadly this is the week that I get to be with my son for about an hour each day. And even that hour is not quality time. It's hard to hear him scream and cry for his mommy as I have to walk out the door each morning. But I know that other working moms have to deal with it too, but still is not a comforting feeling. Until next time...